Will there ever be a time when I don’t question every thought I have? Will this be something I deal with for the rest of my life? Will I ever get to the point where I can just accept myself as me, and be okay with that? Why is my first reaction to judge myself? I highly doubt others are judging me as often as I feel judged. Why am I so judgmental?
I ask these questions of myself all the time. I react to situations as if I’m under attack, when in reality; it has nothing to do with me. Many times I feel that my own mind is my worst enemy. I feel that I could control my anxiety, my depression, and my outbursts just by not being so judgmental. The funny thing is…no one is judging me. (At least I don’t think so…)
I say that I feel that I’m being judged in certain situations, but the truth is, I’m the one that’s doing the judging. I’m the one making myself feel inadequate. I’m the one pointing out my flaws and telling myself I’m not as good as someone else. No one has ever pointed out my flaws (at least to my face). Except that one time, but that woman was mean and horribly awful! Once I stopped crying, I realized she was purposing trying to be hurtful. She was a complete stranger, what did I care what she thought? But I did, I do care (way too much) what other people think. That’s one of the reasons I took so long to start writing again. What if I sucked? What if no one enjoyed what I wrote? What if? What if? What if? Ugh! The “what ifs” are so exhausting and hindering. “What if’s can paralyze us mentally, spiritually, and physically.
I tell myself I’m not going to think this way any longer. I try to change my thoughts when those negative ones creep in, but sometimes they seem to always linger in the depths of my mind. They slowly creep out when I least expect it, slowly making their way to the front of my mind where they think they have control. It’s tiring to need validation all the time. I don’t want so much confidence that I am no longer humble, but just enough that I can stop judging myself, comparing myself to others. I actually have had the thought that the other baseball moms wouldn’t want to hang out with me because I wasn’t as thin and cute as them! How ridiculous is that?!?!?! Stupid right? But those thoughts creep in. They are the nicest ladies I have ever met, but I get so intimidated. I just want to love me, for me. I’m a pretty cool person, why can’t I accept that others might think so too?