A few months ago I began to journal some memoirs. I wanted to journey back and reflect on different events that shaped who I am today, believing it would help me make the changes I wanted to make. So….I wrote.
I found it difficult at times to go back and think about those uncomfortable moments of my adolescent years, but it did shed some light on why I think the way I do now and may have even prepared me for how I would handle one of the most difficult moments in my life, that was just around the corner.
Hind sight is truly 20/20, as I look back on the those months before my life would change; God was preparing me, nudging me, and protecting me, without me even knowing until November 10, 2015. That morning I woke with the determination to get the results from my biopsy that I had on the previous Friday. I called the doctor’s office, and they insisted I come in, they couldn’t give me my results over the phone. (Well, that has never happened.) I knew it was not good, but I also knew God would protect me. I called my husband and left a message to call me right back, and then called a long distance friend and made her talk to me as I drove to the office until my husband called back.
My blood pressure was high, my heart was racing, and I could not stand sitting in that sterile, cold examining room all alone. Finally, the doctor came in, she gave me that look (the look I would start seeing more and more as people found out). “It came back positive.” She said. “Positive for what?” I asked. I had to hear the words, I had to be 100% sure we were on the same page. “The tumor is positive for breast cancer.” She said looking me straight in the eyes.
My heart sank, as it does now as I am writing this. The words that frighten most women (and some men). The words that can stop you in your tracks and make you feel like you are living in some kind of parallel world. I cried. I knew I would be fine, I knew it would be removed and I would be fine. I had gone over all the possibilities that I could think of, as I was waiting on the results fro 4 days. But at that moment, I cried. I cried for me, for my husband, for our children, and for my family.
Four days later, my mom arrived ready to spend the next several weeks going to appointments, meeting doctors, and devising a plan of action. Our oldest didn’t really have a response to the news, our middle child was so pissed off, he just walked around mad for about a week, and our youngest…well we didn’t give her all the details (she’s 5). But she is the best nurse I have during my recovery, as I sit here on the couch.
My recovery has been wonderfully uneventful, and has given me a lot of time of time to think. I’m only a week post-op, and I am finally clear enough to think and reflect. Everything happened so quickly that I don’t think I even stopped to process any of it. I haven’t felt emotional until now, as I write down and remember those moments of realizations. I’m believing as I put this journey into words, it will reach those that need it and help anyone who is or has battled this ugly disease.
One last thing before I end this entry: Catching cancer in it’s early stages is AWESOME, but don’t ever (for a second) believe that it makes finding out that you have cancer any less scary. I never once doubted God’s protection, but guess what…I’m human and it was scary and it pissed me off! Please remember that if someone you know is diagnosed early, they need just as much support as anyone else.