Rising Above my Darkest Moment

Reflecting back to where I began to lose myself, it looks like any other awkward teenage existence. But it was different. I was depressed and lived day by day, pretending that everything was fine. I would spend hours alone in my room listening to music, inventing an alter ego if you will. I would imagine a different life, that I was a different person and I would invent this persona down to the very finest detail. And there I would “live” until it was time to go to work, eat dinner, or I just left my room for some other reason.

That’s where I was my happiest, when I was pretending to be someone else. Sad, I know but that was my happy place, where I didn’t have depression. Don’t misunderstand me, I did have friends, but they weren’t interested in me, not really. They were there to hang out or whatever, but I NEVER confided in anyone about my depression or my desire to be someone else. Really I just wanted someone to notice me, to take an interest in my life, however, I hadn’t done that for anyone else. So what did I expect?

As I graduated from High School, my friends list got smaller but they were good friends. There were a couple that I really loved and still do, even though we have lost touch. One of them was a guy (no we were never romantic) and he was my very best friend. As we got older he would give his approval/disapproval on who I dated, but only when I pressed him to be honest. He really took an interest in my life and I his. He was very special to me and part of the reason I am still here today. (Yes, I know that sounded dark.)

There was a very real darkness in my life at one point. I sat on my bed and dumped a bottle of pills on the blanket. I sat and looked at them and believed that I wouldn’t be sad anymore and no one else would really be affected if I swallowed them all. I really believed that. The adversary and his darkness had tricked me into believing I would be better off. However, God had plans for me and His power is much much greater. I thought about my friend and knew he would be hurt, but he would be okay I knew he would (wouldn’t he?) Then….I had a clear picture in my mind. My mom would be the one to find me, and it would be devastating. I just could NOT do that to her. I could not hurt her that way.

I put all the pills back in the bottle and set it on my dresser. That was my only, real suicidal thought, never again did it enter my mind. I had (with God’s help) defeated the adversary in that category. Now 20+ years later, I am working at defeating that bastard every day of my life. Some days better than others, but isn’t that life? 😉



She Said She Did It To Protect Me?

I haven’t been writing lately and have been in a real “funk”. It seems like my circumstances make such an impact on my behaviors and that really ticks me off. Every once in a while I go to therapy to help manage my anxiety and yesterday, she told me, “You NEED to write! Go home and write; journal, blog, work on your novel, just write.” So I went home and…I took my son to baseball. 🙂 Sometimes, life is just busy, but that’s okay. I don’t mind. I love watching our son play. He’s a natural athlete and he plays at a high, competitive level, so it’s exciting. It did help me out of my “funk” as well. I just hung out with our 4 yr old and watched the game and relaxed for the first time in nearly a week.

It all started on Sunday, I received a call from my dad, telling me that his mother, my Grandma, had died that morning. Now, I knew she was sick and that she was very close to the end of her life, but that doesn’t make it easier. It’s still sad. I didn’t cry right away and continued to prepare for the day and think about all the things we did with my grandparents, as kids. I teared up a little and told our oldest and my MIL who lives with us. My husband and son were at a Bible Class that was completing that day. We were all going to meet at the class and have a brunch together, celebrating the class. I was all set to focus on the students and their accomplishments and arrived at the party. My MIL got out of the car and walked off while I parked. By the time I got out of the car, a good friend was approaching me with tears in her eyes. My mind began to race! I couldn’t figure out what had her so upset, and I walked up to her with my arms outstretch. I asked her if she was okay and what was wrong. To my surprise, she said she was sorry I lost my Grandma. I froze! I panicked! I couldn’t breathe! There were about 50 people lingering outside and they all saw me breakdown and lose it! I was sad for my Grandma and humiliated that I broke down in front of all these people. I felt blind-sided and helpless, like a hole had been blown through my chest and the the air was escaping. The pain from the anxiety attack felt like something was dragging me to the ground, yet I remained standing. I couldn’t run, I couldn’t get away from these people. I was trapped to deal with this right then and there, but I wasn’t ready; not like like this. I was so out of my comfort zone, and this made it so much worse. My MIL took it upon herself to tell my friend what happened. I was so upset with her, yet I didn’t have the strength to be mad. I was emotionally wiped out the rest of the day. I walked around in a daze and felt so disconnected.

My heart ached and my head throbbed. The hole in my chest was wide-open and felt dark and empty. I still can not wipe from my mind, the look on people’s faces as they watched me grieve and had no idea what was happening. This is when the damn, dark cloud of depression rolled in, and until last night it would not blow over. It hung over me, it’s heaviness weighing on my shoulders, sucking every last ounce of energy from my limbs. In therapy yesterday, when I explained what brought on this “funk” on, she had me talk about what kinds of things were happening at home with my MIL.

I have an ex-sister in law, who is narcissistic. I never saw my MIL as one, until now.