Where I’m Coming From

I have recently decided to begin my memoirs as they pertain to my struggle with anxiety, depression and my desire to reinvent myself. I no longer want to pretend to be someone else. I want to learn to love who I am and have confidence in the fact that I AM A SON of GOD!!! This is an introduction of sorts. It gives you the basics of where I am coming from and where I want to go.

Warning for this post and those to follow on this topic: Possible Trigger Warning!

I found myself recently, realizing that I wasn’t all that “happy”. I wasn’t sad per se, but I felt trapped inside my own prison.  A prison that I myself built and continue to keep myself imprisoned.  I realize that everyone has their struggles, and that it is a part of life and I accept that. However, I do more than struggle; I battle. I have real mental battles with myself. I argue, scream, and sometimes fight to exhaustion, but it’s all with myself.

I know what is right and wrong, what is positive believing and what is negative. I tell myself ALL DAY LONG the positives, but for some reason it doesn’t stick. I have to change my mind on a regular basis throughout the day, but those pesky thoughts and the need to be accepted continue to find the cracks in my mind and sneak in. The more I gave thought to this, the more I realized that I have such a strong need to feel accepted. It’s ridiculous to my logical mind, but it truly is a prison that I have to escape.

I tried desperately to explain this to my husband, after 20 years of “sweeping it under the rug.” But if you haven’t experienced something like this, it is almost impossible to understand the struggle. I told him that it’s been like this for most of my life, and I am too exhausted to try and keep it hid any longer. I explained that I have always pretended to be someone else in order to feel what I thought was acceptance. I truly felt that I needed to be a certain way in order “fit in”. I can go on and on and blame the high school cliques or my “so-called” friends, but the truth is, it’s my own lack of confidence that has made this such a prominent aspect of my thought patterns.

I had my own parents convinced that I was a well-adjusted, popular teen that had a lot of friends and enjoyed life. When the reality was, at 18 I was seconds away from ending my existence.  I wanted nothing more to do with this uneventful, miserable life. I was lonely and spent the majority of my time alone, pretending to be someone else. At the time, I thought nothing of it; I would always play pretend during my childhood. However, now I was a teenager and I still would play these games. Looking back, I feel a little pathetic, but the reality was I just wanted to be someone people loved and looked up to. As an adult reflecting on this, I don’t think I was ever not accepted; I think I just wanted more out of life and didn’t have the confidence to stand up and reach for it.  I think as an adult, I still fight the same battle. I never published my book, after 18 years because of what people might think.  I tell myself all of the time that it doesn’t matter, but unfortunately it can be paralyzing. I feel like I’m missing out on so much more because of this prison I locked myself in. Now, it’s time to break free.

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Taking Action to Make a Change

I’ve been avoiding my blog for months, but I think about it often. I felt that I had nothing interesting to say, that my words didn’t make a difference whether they were written or not. What difference does it make? Pretty depressing, right? But the thing is, I’m not depressed. I have my funks, sure, but don’t we all at some time or another. I’ve experienced depression and this isn’t it.

As I continued to work through my anxiety issues (which has been really great lately), and help my daughter with hers, I uncovered deeper feelings that I thought I had overcome years ago. However, the more I gave this my attention, the more I realized this is a serious problem. The old habits were resurfacing with vengeance, and I didn’t seem to have a handle on them like I thought. I started to be concerned that my thought patterns and behavior would have a great impact on my children. I didn’t want them negatively influenced by my bad habits.

So I think I’ve decided to start a memoir here, as I search inside myself to uncover why I think the way I do and how I can overcome it. I suppose it doesn’t matter who, if anyone, listens. My writing isn’t about anyone else, but my own expressions. I need to start being the one that is important to me, not looking for acceptance anywhere else. Besides, if I can’t accept myself, who else will?

So I invite those that are interested, along with me on this journey; and those that are not interested….that’s okay too.

Where Am I Going With This

Once again, Harsh Reality made me think, and push myself a little in that thinking. (He’s pretty good at that,and that’s why I follow him.) He asks the question What Kind of Blogger Are You? http://aopinionatedman.com/2015/04/12/what-kind-of-blogger-are-you/

I wasn’t sure what kind I was, I wasn’t even sure what kind I wanted to be. What do I want to be when I grow up? 🙂 I really didn’t know how to answer that, so I thought; Where do I want to go with this blog? What do I want to accomplish? Hmmm…Let’s start with why did I start this addictive hobby? Hobby? Is that what it is? Again, I ponder; racking my brain for an answer, telling myself there has to be a reason. I don’t log in because I’m bored and have nothing better to do.Lord knows I have 237 other things I am supposed to be getting done right now. I know I’m a writer, I know that some day, soon, I want to make a supplement income with my writing so that my time is freed up and I can write more often. I know that when I write, I am happy. I’m in a world that is mine and I feel like myself. I’m relax and inventive and purely me. (I feel a poem brewing.) 🙂 I know that when I am this happy, I am better for God, I’m a better wife, a better mother, and just plain better.

I remember my first comment I received on my blog. I was ecstatic. I had reached someone with my words. I had made an impact on someone’s life by what I wrote. That’s what drives me to blog. The opportunity I have to reach people with my written (or typed) words. I started the blog to help evolve my writing skills and learn from other writers, but after a day I realized I want to reach people, I want what I write, to entertain and inspire. (Depending on what I’m writing)

Where am I going with this? As far as I can!

Enjoy The Journey

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “-jour-“: add a prefix or suffix to complete it or use it as the French word for “day.” Have fun!

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Jour-ney

This is in response to SoCS http://lindaghill.com/2015/04/10/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-1115/

“Journey” what a great word to describe our lives. Life is a journey, a traveling from one place to another. Not necessarily a physical place but a traveling from experience to experience, moment to moment, season to season. Our lives are filled with adventure, drama, sadness, strength, and the list could go on forever.

The amazement of a journey is the different emotions we have and how our circumstances effect those emotions. I can remember I very “dark” time in my life when I didn’t think it was worth it. I know, pretty sad time, but I had so little experiences at this point; I had nothing to compare it to. I was young, naïve, and had no hope. The circumstances I found myself in controlled my thinking (for a time). Thankfully, by divine intervention, I broke free from that bond and found my next step in my journey.

In contrast to that awful moment in my journey, I remember the feeling of having our first child. What a miraculous event in my journey. I cried during this experience, just like I did during my darkest one, but this time for joy. I felt so much joy that I wept until my body shook (just like before).

Our journeys are all so different, so comparison is just plain stupid and a waste of valuable time. Yes, I said valuable. Life moves at record speeds. One moment you are 18 and full of despair, the next your 42 and are cursing through your journey; discovering what you are truly capable of.  Do I have regrets at this point of my journey? No, every moment has helped mold me into the woman I am today. (I will write about this topic very soon) I love my journey, even the weak moments because I can help someone else by sharing my experiences.

Life is a journey, a rollercoaster, and was never meant to be perfect.