Rising Above my Darkest Moment

Reflecting back to where I began to lose myself, it looks like any other awkward teenage existence. But it was different. I was depressed and lived day by day, pretending that everything was fine. I would spend hours alone in my room listening to music, inventing an alter ego if you will. I would imagine a different life, that I was a different person and I would invent this persona down to the very finest detail. And there I would “live” until it was time to go to work, eat dinner, or I just left my room for some other reason.

That’s where I was my happiest, when I was pretending to be someone else. Sad, I know but that was my happy place, where I didn’t have depression. Don’t misunderstand me, I did have friends, but they weren’t interested in me, not really. They were there to hang out or whatever, but I NEVER confided in anyone about my depression or my desire to be someone else. Really I just wanted someone to notice me, to take an interest in my life, however, I hadn’t done that for anyone else. So what did I expect?

As I graduated from High School, my friends list got smaller but they were good friends. There were a couple that I really loved and still do, even though we have lost touch. One of them was a guy (no we were never romantic) and he was my very best friend. As we got older he would give his approval/disapproval on who I dated, but only when I pressed him to be honest. He really took an interest in my life and I his. He was very special to me and part of the reason I am still here today. (Yes, I know that sounded dark.)

There was a very real darkness in my life at one point. I sat on my bed and dumped a bottle of pills on the blanket. I sat and looked at them and believed that I wouldn’t be sad anymore and no one else would really be affected if I swallowed them all. I really believed that. The adversary and his darkness had tricked me into believing I would be better off. However, God had plans for me and His power is much much greater. I thought about my friend and knew he would be hurt, but he would be okay I knew he would (wouldn’t he?) Then….I had a clear picture in my mind. My mom would be the one to find me, and it would be devastating. I just could NOT do that to her. I could not hurt her that way.

I put all the pills back in the bottle and set it on my dresser. That was my only, real suicidal thought, never again did it enter my mind. I had (with God’s help) defeated the adversary in that category. Now 20+ years later, I am working at defeating that bastard every day of my life. Some days better than others, but isn’t that life? 😉

 

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Taking Action to Make a Change

I’ve been avoiding my blog for months, but I think about it often. I felt that I had nothing interesting to say, that my words didn’t make a difference whether they were written or not. What difference does it make? Pretty depressing, right? But the thing is, I’m not depressed. I have my funks, sure, but don’t we all at some time or another. I’ve experienced depression and this isn’t it.

As I continued to work through my anxiety issues (which has been really great lately), and help my daughter with hers, I uncovered deeper feelings that I thought I had overcome years ago. However, the more I gave this my attention, the more I realized this is a serious problem. The old habits were resurfacing with vengeance, and I didn’t seem to have a handle on them like I thought. I started to be concerned that my thought patterns and behavior would have a great impact on my children. I didn’t want them negatively influenced by my bad habits.

So I think I’ve decided to start a memoir here, as I search inside myself to uncover why I think the way I do and how I can overcome it. I suppose it doesn’t matter who, if anyone, listens. My writing isn’t about anyone else, but my own expressions. I need to start being the one that is important to me, not looking for acceptance anywhere else. Besides, if I can’t accept myself, who else will?

So I invite those that are interested, along with me on this journey; and those that are not interested….that’s okay too.

It’s About Time!

Why is it we tend to ignore our own needs? Why is what we want/need less important than someone else’s? I’m a mom, so I understand the desire to want to put your family first.  It’s what we do. But let’s just take a moment and explore that deep emotion we hide so easily; the desire to want/need something that is for pure pleasure. I’m not referring to needs like medical attention, food, shelter…. I’m referring to that one thing we tuck away because we just don’t have time right now, or it’s not that important. “I need to take care of this first.” Well guess what my friends; the time is not going to just happen. When we have a moment, life fills that time with something else. We HAVE TO make the time. We make time for everything else; why not make the time for that simple pleasure. I have a friend that I try to meet for coffee once a week, but we both allowed life to fill up every moment of our day. So we went MONTHS without seeing one another. We decided we just had to make the time and make it work.

My simple pleasure is writing. I always put it off, I never have time to just sit and write. Want to know a secret? I wrote a novel 15 years ago. FIFTEEN!!! YEARS!!!! Why didn’t I do anything with it? I didn’t have the time, duh! It sat and sat and sat and became dated. So now….I am updating it; page by page; line by line; word by word. This manuscript was written so long ago that when I read it for the first time in years, I was curious why the character didn’t use her cell phone in that emergency situation. LOL It wasn’t a common thing for people to have a cell phone, when I first wrote the novel. J That’s what I mean by updating it. (I could make it a historical-fiction novelJ)

I’m slowly working writing back into my very busy life. I won’t even get into what a day is like for me, but I make it work. It brings me joy and I find myself more relaxed (when I’m not stressing over sentence structure). I need this time, and I might not get as much time as I want, but if I have 10 minutes you know darn well I’m going to write something. I have to! It’s who I am, and I am just realizing this, which makes me a little sad. But the important thing is I’m realizing it, so I don’t waste any more time pushing it aside.

What is your “I don’t have time for it” thing? What do you tuck away for the “future”? What is it, that silently calls for you from the depths of your mind, that you KNOW will bring you a little bit of happiness if you could just have an hour to yourself?

Here’s my challenge for you…Decide what your “I don’t have time for it” thing is, and promise yourself (and me) that you will give it your attention sometime THIS WEEK. Doesn’t matter if you get 5 minutes or an hour, just DO IT! Write, sing, exercise, play with your kids, play a game you enjoy, nap, clean, bake, whatever brings you that contentment. (Yes, for some people, cleaning is a joy.) Pull it out of the depths of your mind and bring it to the present. Don’t wait for the future because the future will NEVER be the present.

Enjoy!

How Kids Do Easter Dinner

My recent posts have been on the serious side, so I thought I would take a moment and try and bring a small smile to your face.

We don’t usually do a big Easter dinner. Most of our family live in different states and my Mother-in-Law moved in with us a year ago so we have always kept it simple and went with the flow. It seemed a little important to my Mother-in-Law that we have something this year. She said it didn’t matter but she asked like 3 times if we wanted ham. All 3 times I assured her that the boys would love to have ham. (The girls in our family are vegetarians) So on the 4th time, I told her to go buy the ham, that it would be absolutely wonderful to have it, and that it was a grand idea. I had to play it up, or else she would most likely ask again, and probably make a few more snide remarks about what I would make for the girls to eat. It has taken me a year to get to the point where I can (for the most part) ignore the unintentional jabs at my eating habits.

So she makes this ham and asks if she can add it to the scalloped potatoes I made. “Sure, go ahead!” I told her. At this point, I didn’t care if she added Captain Crunch to the potatoes, I just wanted her to have what she wanted because the rest of us did not care, one lick, what we were having. As long as we ate, we would be happy. She seemed to be the only one that had a strong opinion, although she insisted it did not matter to her. LOL

A little back story: My Mother-in-Law stays, for the most part, in her room. She feels she’s intruding or something. I don’t know. After about 6 months I stopped begging her to join us. It’s an open invitation, and I don’t baby anyone. We are “come as you are” kind of people. What you see is what you get. 

So, she’s in her room and I tell her everything is ready, if she is hungry we can all eat now. She says she’s hungry and I go to load up the kid’s plates. I get everyone set and the hubby is sitting and waiting to say a prayer. (It’s been about 5 minutes since I told her it’s time to eat) I ask him to wait for his mom because she is NOW taking out the trash. LOL I could only laugh! She chose “now” to do this task. Okay, whatever…she finally makes it to the table and we say a prayer. She then leaves AGAIN! Wasn’t this what she wanted? I laughed to myself and ate my delicious oat-crusted tofu and salad. (It was awesome, by the way) She returns and joins us for dinner. At one point our son wants seconds and I explain how to shave a piece of ham. This is driving my MIL crazy because he is butchering the ham. My logic is, he needs to learn, who cares, but she’s in a small panic. My son returns with his ham and she tries to be quiet about the dang ham, but makes a comment how our son needs to marry a professional ham slicer. This sends him into a hysterical laughing spell, but not before he takes a giant gulp of chocolate milk. YEP! You guessed it, a chocolate milk shower all over the table and into the living area. He made it on the couch, all over the 4 yr old, who for some reason was laying upside down on the couch inside of sitting at the table, and he hit our oldest’s computer which was a good 7 feet from the table. So that initiated a bickering war between the 2 teens.

We all laughed and I forgot all about the tension I was feeling. My son had saved me from an anxiety attack that was sure to rear its ugly head. It was a perfect Easter dinner and I wouldn’t have changed a thing, except I should have had him help me clean up all the milk, but I just smiled to myself as I wiped it all up, and said a silent prayer; thanking God for my awesome family.

Frustration: Let’s Change Our Minds

Algebra

It’s Tuesday, but somehow it already feels like Thursday or even Friday. Why is it so hard to get a 14-yr old boy to care about anything? He has done everything to get out of doing his Algebra. He showered, cleaned up laundry, made lunch; all to avoid doing the work he said he did yesterday. This is what happens when I get busy and don’t check work daily. I guess I learned my lesson. LOL Or maybe I learned a new way to get him to do his chores. Hmmmm, I’ll need to remember that!

We have an unconventionally homeschool.  I don’t have a set time for them, as long as they get the work done and done accurately, I let them choose when they want to study. I have their core subjects that they do on their own, and I supply them with projects for their electives. Even choosing an elective was difficult for this boy. He has no interests, aside from baseball. Some days, like today, I just want to say, “Whatever! Do what you want!” I don’t say that, of course, but oh my gosh I want to! It’s kind of hard to stay upset though, when the 4 yr old keeps coming in my office telling me funny stories of what she is finding in her dress-up box. Now, I need to find her Doc McStuffins shirt.

Phew…unbelievable what I found in that box. Shirts the child couldn’t find for months; hidden under 15 tu-tus. Why does she need all those tu-tus? *SMH* So, where was I? We love our kids so much, that sometimes it’s frustrating when they don’t see the big picture. If it’s not something they are passionate about, they want nothing to do with it. At least that’s what mine are like. I can’t get so tense though; I need to relax and work with him, but sometimes I need to walk away and regroup. I think the best thing for him right now is probably to work with me. He isn’t working independently very well, lately. I guess I change our schedule up some and do one-on-one studies for a while. This is one of the amazing perks of working from home and homeschooling. If something isn’t working, we change it. Just like my habit of getting overly worked up when I’m frustrated. I take a deep breathe, regroup, and handle the situation more practically. (Usually, but not always J )

I could have screamed (and believe me I REALLY wanted to), but I calmly set the math work before him, asked him to get the book and review, and I walked away. Oh, before I walked away though, I asked him to rinse his chocolate milk carton that he left on the kitchen table and recycle it. My tone, however, may have not been the sweetest, but that just ticked me off even more. Why leave it there? He knows I get upset over that stuff. (I never said I was perfect.) I ended up going to him and asked if I could help him with his math, and he said he wanted to try first. Well, he JUST brought it to me completed. Like I said, we love our children without measure, and sometimes we get frustrated. But we can get better at how we deal with the frustration. Sometimes it just takes writing a blog about it, so I don’t feel alone.

Comment your thoughts and how you handle frustrations when it comes to wanting the best for your kiddos.

Ciao, Loves

Just to Get Things Started

head-above-water

Happy Monday, everyone! I’m not quite sure how this is going to work, nor do I know what y’all will think of this. I’m sure there are thousands of blogs out there that address everyday struggles of a spiritually-minded, devoted wife, mother of three; however, I am doing this anyway. Why? Because if I can impact just one life, then I will consider this a success.

A few days ago, I was having a “bad” day. Now, when I say a “bad day”, I do not mean my Internet crashed or I lost my keys (I’m still looking for them, btw). I’m talking tears, real, free-flowing tears; tears of frustration and fatigue. I could not explain the real cause of these tears except that I was exhausted from trying to make sure everything looked fine to everyone else. But everything wasn’t fine. I felt like I was just barely keeping my head above water and any minute I was going to gulp too much water. “Why?”, I asked. “Why can’t I do everything and stay sane? Why can so-n-so handle it all and still look happy and ready to take on more? Why do I have so much trouble staying on top of EVERYTHING?”  Realistically, I know I can’t do everything, that’s logical, but for some reason my brain can not except that. So, I put all this undo stress on myself and beat myself up for not getting it all done. Result….confused husband, frustrated children, sad mama. Not what I want for my family.

So, back to the other night…I scrolled through Facebook because I did not want to think about anything, and some mindless post scrolling would keep my mind busy. Then I saw it….A post from an article that addressed EXACTLY what I had just been crying about. (God’s timing is perfect) An entire article about asking the question, “How do you do it all?” What a stupid question!!!!! No one does it all. No one is Superwoman. If a mom comes and tells you that she has it all together all of the time, she’s lying! We’re human! We were never designed to be perfect, just faithful. That is what God looks upon. He put that article right smack dab in front of my face because that is what I needed at that moment. Then I thought about the timing of that article, and I realized, “What if I have something that someone else needs to get through the day? What if I can help someone be a better mom, wife, or friend.”

I want this blog to reach people, to touch lives and hearts. If I can make someone laugh because they can relate to my crazy, wonderful, and amazing life, then this is a success. I am not perfect. I do not have all the answers. I do; however, have an amazing relationship with God, I love my family without measure, and I love to write. So, why a blog? Because I want others to know they are not alone. We all go through stuff, and that doesn’t make us weak and it doesn’t mean we can’t get through it, and it certainly doesn’t mean we suck at everything. What it means is; we aren’t perfect, but by golly we can be faithful.