Where I’m Coming From

I have recently decided to begin my memoirs as they pertain to my struggle with anxiety, depression and my desire to reinvent myself. I no longer want to pretend to be someone else. I want to learn to love who I am and have confidence in the fact that I AM A SON of GOD!!! This is an introduction of sorts. It gives you the basics of where I am coming from and where I want to go.

Warning for this post and those to follow on this topic: Possible Trigger Warning!

I found myself recently, realizing that I wasn’t all that “happy”. I wasn’t sad per se, but I felt trapped inside my own prison.  A prison that I myself built and continue to keep myself imprisoned.  I realize that everyone has their struggles, and that it is a part of life and I accept that. However, I do more than struggle; I battle. I have real mental battles with myself. I argue, scream, and sometimes fight to exhaustion, but it’s all with myself.

I know what is right and wrong, what is positive believing and what is negative. I tell myself ALL DAY LONG the positives, but for some reason it doesn’t stick. I have to change my mind on a regular basis throughout the day, but those pesky thoughts and the need to be accepted continue to find the cracks in my mind and sneak in. The more I gave thought to this, the more I realized that I have such a strong need to feel accepted. It’s ridiculous to my logical mind, but it truly is a prison that I have to escape.

I tried desperately to explain this to my husband, after 20 years of “sweeping it under the rug.” But if you haven’t experienced something like this, it is almost impossible to understand the struggle. I told him that it’s been like this for most of my life, and I am too exhausted to try and keep it hid any longer. I explained that I have always pretended to be someone else in order to feel what I thought was acceptance. I truly felt that I needed to be a certain way in order “fit in”. I can go on and on and blame the high school cliques or my “so-called” friends, but the truth is, it’s my own lack of confidence that has made this such a prominent aspect of my thought patterns.

I had my own parents convinced that I was a well-adjusted, popular teen that had a lot of friends and enjoyed life. When the reality was, at 18 I was seconds away from ending my existence.  I wanted nothing more to do with this uneventful, miserable life. I was lonely and spent the majority of my time alone, pretending to be someone else. At the time, I thought nothing of it; I would always play pretend during my childhood. However, now I was a teenager and I still would play these games. Looking back, I feel a little pathetic, but the reality was I just wanted to be someone people loved and looked up to. As an adult reflecting on this, I don’t think I was ever not accepted; I think I just wanted more out of life and didn’t have the confidence to stand up and reach for it.  I think as an adult, I still fight the same battle. I never published my book, after 18 years because of what people might think.  I tell myself all of the time that it doesn’t matter, but unfortunately it can be paralyzing. I feel like I’m missing out on so much more because of this prison I locked myself in. Now, it’s time to break free.

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Taking Action to Make a Change

I’ve been avoiding my blog for months, but I think about it often. I felt that I had nothing interesting to say, that my words didn’t make a difference whether they were written or not. What difference does it make? Pretty depressing, right? But the thing is, I’m not depressed. I have my funks, sure, but don’t we all at some time or another. I’ve experienced depression and this isn’t it.

As I continued to work through my anxiety issues (which has been really great lately), and help my daughter with hers, I uncovered deeper feelings that I thought I had overcome years ago. However, the more I gave this my attention, the more I realized this is a serious problem. The old habits were resurfacing with vengeance, and I didn’t seem to have a handle on them like I thought. I started to be concerned that my thought patterns and behavior would have a great impact on my children. I didn’t want them negatively influenced by my bad habits.

So I think I’ve decided to start a memoir here, as I search inside myself to uncover why I think the way I do and how I can overcome it. I suppose it doesn’t matter who, if anyone, listens. My writing isn’t about anyone else, but my own expressions. I need to start being the one that is important to me, not looking for acceptance anywhere else. Besides, if I can’t accept myself, who else will?

So I invite those that are interested, along with me on this journey; and those that are not interested….that’s okay too.

Flash Fiction: An Opportunity of a Lifetime

One of my favorite bloggers is Vanessa at https://romancedonewrite.wordpress.com/ . She has a variety of writings and one of the things she does is Flash Fiction. She is very good at drawing the reading in, with 150 words or less. You should check her out here.

So she has inspired and encouraged me to give it a go. I believe this will be a great exercise in helping me develop my writing. I thank you all in advance for reading, and would love your constructive feedback.


An Opportunity of a Lifetime (150 word)

She had waited her entire life for this one moment and now she was about to tell the one person in the world that mattered, that she had succeeded. She ran up the stairs, breathless from the combination of lack of oxygen and excitement, and burst into the office. Her heart swelled at the sight of him, and a wide, bright smile played across his lips when he saw her.

“They called! They want me to fly out at the end of the month!” The words shot out like rapid fire.

David quickly made his way to her and spun her around. “We’re moving to Los Angeles!” Becca squealed with delight.

David set her down and looked into the deep gold of her eyes; his own heart seemed to stop.

“Becca, I can’t go with you.”

His words exploded in her head like the sound of heavy gunfire; no survivors.

What Does Creativity Mean To You?

In response to: “Creativity means believing you have greatness.” — Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

I just read a post that offered a great prompt. Do you believe creativity means believing you have greatness? Maybe to some degree, but I’m not sure I agree with this statement.

I believe we all have greatness to some degree in different aspects of our lives, but creativity is expression. It can certainly express greatness, but from my limited experience most of those that express thoughts, images, emotions, etc., don’t feel they have greatness. However, those that experience the results of those expressions, see greatness. So, I can see what the author of that quote is trying to say, but in my opinion, I feel that those that experience the poet’s, author’s, artist’s….creativity are the one’s that see their greatness.

Just my thoughts 😉

It’s About Time!

Why is it we tend to ignore our own needs? Why is what we want/need less important than someone else’s? I’m a mom, so I understand the desire to want to put your family first.  It’s what we do. But let’s just take a moment and explore that deep emotion we hide so easily; the desire to want/need something that is for pure pleasure. I’m not referring to needs like medical attention, food, shelter…. I’m referring to that one thing we tuck away because we just don’t have time right now, or it’s not that important. “I need to take care of this first.” Well guess what my friends; the time is not going to just happen. When we have a moment, life fills that time with something else. We HAVE TO make the time. We make time for everything else; why not make the time for that simple pleasure. I have a friend that I try to meet for coffee once a week, but we both allowed life to fill up every moment of our day. So we went MONTHS without seeing one another. We decided we just had to make the time and make it work.

My simple pleasure is writing. I always put it off, I never have time to just sit and write. Want to know a secret? I wrote a novel 15 years ago. FIFTEEN!!! YEARS!!!! Why didn’t I do anything with it? I didn’t have the time, duh! It sat and sat and sat and became dated. So now….I am updating it; page by page; line by line; word by word. This manuscript was written so long ago that when I read it for the first time in years, I was curious why the character didn’t use her cell phone in that emergency situation. LOL It wasn’t a common thing for people to have a cell phone, when I first wrote the novel. J That’s what I mean by updating it. (I could make it a historical-fiction novelJ)

I’m slowly working writing back into my very busy life. I won’t even get into what a day is like for me, but I make it work. It brings me joy and I find myself more relaxed (when I’m not stressing over sentence structure). I need this time, and I might not get as much time as I want, but if I have 10 minutes you know darn well I’m going to write something. I have to! It’s who I am, and I am just realizing this, which makes me a little sad. But the important thing is I’m realizing it, so I don’t waste any more time pushing it aside.

What is your “I don’t have time for it” thing? What do you tuck away for the “future”? What is it, that silently calls for you from the depths of your mind, that you KNOW will bring you a little bit of happiness if you could just have an hour to yourself?

Here’s my challenge for you…Decide what your “I don’t have time for it” thing is, and promise yourself (and me) that you will give it your attention sometime THIS WEEK. Doesn’t matter if you get 5 minutes or an hour, just DO IT! Write, sing, exercise, play with your kids, play a game you enjoy, nap, clean, bake, whatever brings you that contentment. (Yes, for some people, cleaning is a joy.) Pull it out of the depths of your mind and bring it to the present. Don’t wait for the future because the future will NEVER be the present.

Enjoy!

Where Am I Going With This

Once again, Harsh Reality made me think, and push myself a little in that thinking. (He’s pretty good at that,and that’s why I follow him.) He asks the question What Kind of Blogger Are You? http://aopinionatedman.com/2015/04/12/what-kind-of-blogger-are-you/

I wasn’t sure what kind I was, I wasn’t even sure what kind I wanted to be. What do I want to be when I grow up? 🙂 I really didn’t know how to answer that, so I thought; Where do I want to go with this blog? What do I want to accomplish? Hmmm…Let’s start with why did I start this addictive hobby? Hobby? Is that what it is? Again, I ponder; racking my brain for an answer, telling myself there has to be a reason. I don’t log in because I’m bored and have nothing better to do.Lord knows I have 237 other things I am supposed to be getting done right now. I know I’m a writer, I know that some day, soon, I want to make a supplement income with my writing so that my time is freed up and I can write more often. I know that when I write, I am happy. I’m in a world that is mine and I feel like myself. I’m relax and inventive and purely me. (I feel a poem brewing.) 🙂 I know that when I am this happy, I am better for God, I’m a better wife, a better mother, and just plain better.

I remember my first comment I received on my blog. I was ecstatic. I had reached someone with my words. I had made an impact on someone’s life by what I wrote. That’s what drives me to blog. The opportunity I have to reach people with my written (or typed) words. I started the blog to help evolve my writing skills and learn from other writers, but after a day I realized I want to reach people, I want what I write, to entertain and inspire. (Depending on what I’m writing)

Where am I going with this? As far as I can!